October 2008
25 posts
sorry kids
this website lasted two months. which is much longer than even i thought it would. but it seems like everything awesome that i say now just ends up on twitter.
“no. i’ll be an awesome dad. i once tricked my nephew into eating a corn dog by calling it a lollipop. parenting is essentially just a series of lateral thinking puzzles”.
“I’m getting it from all sides tonight and not awesomely.”
“first of all, I know some pirates. and they’ll play the hell out if some guitar. secondly, this dude is holding an accordian. which is barely not a guitar”.
“c’mon beard, let’s go get drunk”.
“wow, Mohandas Gandhi sure looked like an old lesbian”.
sorry kids, rayke didn’t say anything on october 18th, 2008.
“i need brad childress to come coach these kids and teach them how to run awkwardly in circles”.
sorry kids, rayke didn’t say anything on october 16th, 2008.
“if by ‘work’ you mean ‘masterbate’, then yes. i absolutely work too much”.
“My penis is the prop to the comedy act that is my life.”
“Sniff my pedophilia”
“hey man. i’m a little busy fisting lids right now. can i call you back?”
“I had a dream I was masterbating, but stopped halfway in to get cookies and meatloaf. I am now hungry and confused”.
sorry kids. rayke didn’t say anything on october 11th, 2008.
“just remember that the line between ‘hanging’ and ‘banging’ is only one letter”.
“yesterday, my grandpa admitted he will be voting for obama. i might as well have seen a unicorn fucking a mermaid.”
“if i send a sexy text and it fails to get you off, will a tree fall in the forest? the answer, of course, is the sound of one hand clapping”.
“Are you fucking kidding me? The grand total of my “thank you/ sorry for letting me penetrate you without consent” gift basket is well over $75.”
“i swear to god, if you tell anyone else i have real feelings, i’m going to rape your dog.”
“And it’s MY job in the relationship to be the overly needy female.”
rayke: you may need to drive the car back to the apartment.
girl: why?
rayke: because i had four coronas with my bacon when i got up.
girl: you already started drinking?? it's not even noon yet!
rayke: correction -- it's *saturday*.
“handjobs are so high school. but so are the girls i date.”
“someone, and i won’t say who, has ugly fucking freckles all over her chest.”
“rape is a two way street”.
“there isn’t like a WAY to play the harmonica is there? it’s like playing a kazoo, right?”
September 2008
67 posts
“does this iphone make me look fat?”
“voting for obama is voting AGAINST tina fey”.
“her face looks like what a stomach ulcer feels like.”
“Hayley Williams is the vagina of my venn diagram”.
“i don’t care if he IS john mccain. if he can pass a law that gets james blunt off the airwaves, he’s got this jews vote.”
“what do you think i do here on the weekends? check my shoes, pants, and dignity at the door.”
“what if it was a lady-dad?”
“she told me that reading is sexy, so I told her that I had ADD and have to read everything twice.”
“You’re my heroine. And by heroine, I mean lady hero. I don’t want to inject you and listen to jazz.”
“the band most likely to be named ‘the mountain goats’ that is not the actual ‘the mountain goats’? blink-182.”
“is this rhetorical question confusing?”
“it’s not gay if you pretend he’s jesus”.
“you’re invited to enjoy intercourse with yourself.”
“are you alright? you’re wearing pants…”
“girl. those pants are writing a check that your face can’t cash.”
“wow. this vending machine looks like it’s from never”.
“there were three big things i wanted to do today. and only two of them involved stalking my coworkers on facebook”.
“i also work as a douchebag at waldenbooks.”
“yeah. this corner of the office was a lot nicer before I peed all over it”.
“all vaginas are just criminals in a really sexy disguise”.
“somewhere between asshole lawyers and COWS! COWS! COWS!, there has to be a spot for horny nurses.”
“i think it’s only fair that i fuck her, just so she knows that the crowbar is under the pillow for good. also, she’s hot. win/win.”
“Penguins with penises?”
“oh hey. how convenient. a virtual, non-invasive, colonoscopy xray machine.”