October 2008
25 posts
sorry kids
this website lasted two months. which is much longer than even i thought it would. but it seems like everything awesome that i say now just ends up on twitter.
Oct 24th
“no. i’ll be an awesome dad. i once tricked my nephew into eating a corn dog by calling it a lollipop. parenting is essentially just a series of lateral thinking puzzles”.
Oct 21st
“I’m getting it from all sides tonight and not awesomely.”
Oct 21st
“first of all, I know some pirates. and they’ll play the hell out if some guitar. secondly, this dude is holding an accordian. which is barely not a guitar”.
Oct 20th
“c’mon beard, let’s go get drunk”.
Oct 20th
“wow, Mohandas Gandhi sure looked like an old lesbian”.
Oct 19th
sorry kids, rayke didn’t say anything on october 18th, 2008.
Oct 18th
“i need brad childress to come coach these kids and teach them how to run awkwardly in circles”.
Oct 17th
sorry kids, rayke didn’t say anything on october 16th, 2008.
Oct 16th
“if by ‘work’ you mean ‘masterbate’, then yes. i absolutely work too much”.
Oct 16th
“My penis is the prop to the comedy act that is my life.”
Oct 15th
“Sniff my pedophilia”
Oct 15th
“hey man. i’m a little busy fisting lids right now. can i call you back?”
Oct 13th
“I had a dream I was masterbating, but stopped halfway in to get cookies and meatloaf. I am now hungry and confused”.
Oct 12th
sorry kids. rayke didn’t say anything on october 11th, 2008.
Oct 11th
“just remember that the line between ‘hanging’ and ‘banging’ is only one letter”.
Oct 10th
“yesterday, my grandpa admitted he will be voting for obama. i might as well have seen a unicorn fucking a mermaid.”
Oct 9th
“if i send a sexy text and it fails to get you off, will a tree fall in the forest? the answer, of course, is the sound of one hand clapping”.
Oct 8th
“Are you fucking kidding me? The grand total of my “thank you/ sorry for letting me penetrate you without consent” gift basket is well over $75.”
Oct 7th
“i swear to god, if you tell anyone else i have real feelings, i’m going to rape your dog.”
Oct 7th
“And it’s MY job in the relationship to be the overly needy female.”
Oct 6th
rayke: you may need to drive the car back to the apartment.
girl: why?
rayke: because i had four coronas with my bacon when i got up.
girl: you already started drinking?? it's not even noon yet!
rayke: correction -- it's *saturday*.
Oct 4th
“handjobs are so high school. but so are the girls i date.”
Oct 3rd
“someone, and i won’t say who, has ugly fucking freckles all over her chest.”
Oct 3rd
“rape is a two way street”.
Oct 2nd
“there isn’t like a WAY to play the harmonica is there? it’s like playing a kazoo, right?”
Oct 1st
September 2008
67 posts
“does this iphone make me look fat?”
Sep 30th
“voting for obama is voting AGAINST tina fey”.
Sep 29th
“her face looks like what a stomach ulcer feels like.”
Sep 29th
“Hayley Williams is the vagina of my venn diagram”.
Sep 28th
“i don’t care if he IS john mccain. if he can pass a law that gets james blunt off the airwaves, he’s got this jews vote.”
Sep 27th
“what do you think i do here on the weekends? check my shoes, pants, and dignity at the door.”
Sep 27th
“what if it was a lady-dad?”
Sep 26th
“she told me that reading is sexy, so I told her that I had ADD and have to read everything twice.”
Sep 26th
“You’re my heroine. And by heroine, I mean lady hero. I don’t want to inject you and listen to jazz.”
Sep 24th
“the band most likely to be named ‘the mountain goats’ that is not the actual ‘the mountain goats’? blink-182.”
Sep 24th
“is this rhetorical question confusing?”
Sep 23rd
“it’s not gay if you pretend he’s jesus”.
Sep 23rd
“you’re invited to enjoy intercourse with yourself.”
Sep 23rd
“are you alright? you’re wearing pants…”
Sep 22nd
“girl. those pants are writing a check that your face can’t cash.”
Sep 22nd
“wow. this vending machine looks like it’s from never”.
Sep 21st
“there were three big things i wanted to do today. and only two of them involved stalking my coworkers on facebook”.
Sep 21st
“i also work as a douchebag at waldenbooks.”
Sep 21st
“yeah. this corner of the office was a lot nicer before I peed all over it”.
Sep 19th
“all vaginas are just criminals in a really sexy disguise”.
Sep 19th
“somewhere between asshole lawyers and COWS! COWS! COWS!, there has to be a spot for horny nurses.”
Sep 18th
“i think it’s only fair that i fuck her, just so she knows that the crowbar is under the pillow for good. also, she’s hot. win/win.”
Sep 18th
“Penguins with penises?”
Sep 18th
“oh hey. how convenient. a virtual, non-invasive, colonoscopy xray machine.”
Sep 18th