this is what rayke said.

“there isn’t like a WAY to play the harmonica is there? it’s like playing a kazoo,...

Oct 1st

“does this iphone make me look fat?”

Sep 30th

“voting for obama is voting AGAINST tina fey”.

Sep 29th

“her face looks like what a stomach ulcer feels like.”

Sep 29th

“Hayley Williams is the vagina of my venn diagram”.

Sep 28th

“i don’t care if he IS john mccain. if he can pass a law that gets james blunt off the...

Sep 27th

“what do you think i do here on the weekends? check my shoes, pants, and dignity at the...

Sep 27th

“what if it was a lady-dad?”

Sep 26th

“she told me that reading is sexy, so I told her that I had ADD and have to read everything...

Sep 26th

“You’re my heroine. And by heroine, I mean lady hero. I don’t want to inject you...

Sep 24th

“the band most likely to be named ‘the mountain goats’ that is not the actual...

Sep 24th

“is this rhetorical question confusing?”

Sep 23rd

“it’s not gay if you pretend he’s jesus”.

Sep 23rd

“you’re invited to enjoy intercourse with yourself.”

Sep 23rd

“are you alright? you’re wearing pants…”

Sep 22nd

“girl. those pants are writing a check that your face can’t cash.”

Sep 22nd

“wow. this vending machine looks like it’s from never”.

Sep 21st

“there were three big things i wanted to do today. and only two of them involved stalking my...

Sep 21st

“i also work as a douchebag at waldenbooks.”

Sep 21st

“yeah. this corner of the office was a lot nicer before I peed all over it”.

Sep 19th

“all vaginas are just criminals in a really sexy disguise”.

Sep 19th

“somewhere between asshole lawyers and COWS! COWS! COWS!, there has to be a spot for horny...

Sep 18th

“i think it’s only fair that i fuck her, just so she knows that the crowbar is under the...

Sep 18th

“Penguins with penises?”

Sep 18th

“oh hey. how convenient. a virtual, non-invasive, colonoscopy xray machine.”

Sep 18th

“he was bottomless in front of a lot of out-of-shape kids.”

Sep 16th

“i want an entire suit made out of bulletproof sunglasses.”

Sep 16th

“Bach. Damn. Quick. Now.”

Sep 16th

“kenyans look like vaginas from outer space”.

Sep 16th

“mustaches are just eyebrows for the lips.”

Sep 16th

“she was too drunk. and i didn’t want to completely take advantage of her. just a little...

Sep 15th

“she was really hot. and australian. i think she was flirting with me, but she kept using all...

Sep 15th

“please don’t get me a dildo for your birthday.”

Sep 15th

“please don’t put the scorpion on my button fly”.

Sep 15th

“I want to be man Fey”

Sep 14th

“fourteen plus fourteen equals october.”

Sep 14th

“my blazer is the condom of my penis shaped body.”

Sep 14th

“she told you that you could go to her party as long as you bring ME? ha. you’re my...

Sep 13th

“Anna? oh shit. all this time, i thought her name was ‘Anal’. like, maybe she was...

Sep 12th

“i’m pretty sure that telling your girlfriend she looks like Fran Drescher is an early...

Sep 12th

“it’s not so much television as much as it is…’national internet’. but...

Sep 11th

“partial birth abortion? is that where they kill it on the way out?”

Sep 11th

“i don’t do poop jokes on stage. i go for the more highbrow humor. rape and abortion is...

Sep 11th

“Like I haven’t worn your panties before?”

Sep 11th

“My victory slip is flawed.”

Sep 11th

“I was going to say ‘thought’ and then I was going to say ‘said’ and...

Sep 11th

“she said that i seem much older, but i still have a ‘childish charm’. so i said...

Sep 11th

“the way you phrase it makes you seem very mildly retarded”.

Sep 10th

“would you be willing to come in and try out this new rice-a-roni product?”

Sep 9th

“if i insulted you more, would you date me?”

Sep 9th

“yeah, I talked about it with her. And by ‘her’ I mean my fists! And by ‘my...

Sep 9th

“i like my women like i like my jeans: loose, straight, and dark.”

Sep 8th

“…and he’ll never assume that you’re the one doing it because he thinks that...

Sep 7th

“my buttermilk just got gay”.

Sep 7th

“panty loans are way better than payday loans.”

Sep 6th

“just because he’s my boss doesn’t mean that he won’t give me a handjob in...

Sep 5th

“tell the internet ‘hi’ for me”.

Sep 5th

“all i’m saying is if rainn wilson ever worked as a convience store clerk in alaska,...

Sep 5th

“i wonder if i have some deeply rooted moth-fetish that i never knew about? because she looked...

Sep 5th

“i haven’t updated the site in like four days. apologize to the Internet for me.”

Sep 5th

“if throat-singing becomes cool, i’m seriously going to turn into a lesbian”.

Sep 3rd

“‘are you a lesbian? prove it’! you see? no matter what her answer, it’s a...

Sep 3rd

“no. i don’t want you to photoshop me to be on the moon. i just want a slightly better...

Sep 2nd

“that’s literally the first sentence i learned in french”.

Sep 2nd

“my dolphin instincts cause me to hate pregnant women.”

Sep 2nd

“well color me awkward.”

Sep 2nd

“my crotch is moist!!”

Sep 1st